Long, Lean and Dangerous!

The title is a description of one of my favorite things to do for the past 10 years. I love them- the feel of them between my fingers, the relief they give me as they line my throat, the release from being overly stuft they provide after a meal... the 7 minute breaks they give me from work, the social benefits when outside at a bar... bored, no big deal- they'll keep you company. Stressed- they'll relax you.

These are the moments that cigarettes offer there followers. They are like cult or gang leaders- they pull you in and until you drink the juice or get shot... chances are they won't let you leave them behind! Even when you know you don't want one, your throat is sore- your cough is rough and unforgiving... doesn't matter- you'll find a way to let them in. Is it freezing outside? Too bad, better put on really warm clothes- because the cigarettes want your attention. Afterall, you spend about $200 a month on them- you might as well make sure they are a priority!

Well, six days ago I said goodbye. Am I happy about this? Ofcourse, I'll be healthier, won't smell, will have clearer skin, save $2400/yr and will be more socially accepted. But, not to lie... I miss it, really really miss it. The amount of time I spend thinking about it is ridiculous. If I only dedicated this much thought to other faucets of my life- how successful I would be!
It's getting easier day by day- but it's still a long road and I know I'll make it and be happy that I did. However, I do wish I could have one more. I won't- I've made up my mind- but, man do I love them... but I love me more. I will love my husband and children more... and hopefully, this decision will give me more time with them(whenever they should come into my life!).

Anyway- hope you are having a good day! I smell great!!! It's the little things I am trying to appreciate =) and that are making my day great.

Not to much to say... you know those times when you know you're being super sensitive, but your sensitivities seem so real- you want to react, but history has told you that you are better off waiting til the feeling passes. This is where I am, but it's been two days. I thought for sure that I would be feeling better today... thought wrong.
You know that these overwhelming feelings that you can't even pinpoint will pass and their mountainous control over your emotions will pass- but in the meanwhile, sit tight... make no big decisions and do not confront anyone. These are the key ingredients for getting through unscathed. This too shall pass!
Anyway, I started by saying I didn't have much to say and I don't. So, I stop now- bidding you the best and wishing you a great day!

The Story

Ever wonder what your story will be. Don't you look around and think that things in our everyday lives are too ordinary to create a story. But it happens... stories are written, told and relived.
A teenage girl who had just graduated from high school was abducted from Target the other day... she was just found dead. Who the hell thought they had the right to end her story and change the story of those around her so drastically? Just ran to Target(which I do practically daily!) and now she has a tragic story. Not to mention her family whose lives will never be the same. I say beat the living crap out of those people... seriously... who do they think they are. And, what's worse, is this type of thing happens all the time. Should we forgive them? Absolutely, otherwise the anger and hate will taint the rest of what is beautiful in the world... but man, they deserve to be punished severely.
Sorry to put such a sad story into my blog- but it makes you think.
How about the kids who are dying daily in the Middle East? That's a whole other ball game. I'm not going to discuss my political views on this situation, I don't even want to go there. But, sometimes when you're going about your day... do you ever wonder what a single individual is thinking or doing at that exact moment across the world. I do. In the past, when I've been in scary situations, I've often wondered if at that exact moment anyone was giving conscience thought to me. So, I try to give conscious thought to others.
Back to Kelsey, sometimes these abduction stories grab your attention more then others- this was one that really grabbed my attention. And, I can't help but wonder at what exact point she was killed... what was I doing and thinking at that moment. Because it couldn't have been nearly as intense or even thoughtful enough for the moment. Nothing can be done to know- but at some moment- she had to be wishing that someone would find her, rescue her and take her home. The smell of her house, her mother, the comfort of her bed... she most likely just wanted to be around someone that loved her and cared for her. A girl, about to go to college, probably not even caring about college in her last moments... just the hope of being safe. But then again, who am I to say what she was thinking- but I can't be that far off.
Anyway, I could go on forever. Let's just remember how good many of us have it... work worries, boy drama and a stubbed toe aren't worth the energy. At some point, we'll all just want to be safe and comfortable with the things/people that are most familiar to us.

Truth Be Told

So- as if I haven't put myself out there enough.... I did it one last and final time, knowing rejection was coming my way. But, figuring that putting the truth out there would help me let go with a sense of completion. Meaning that I've said almost everything I wanted to say. Even though, I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say(I can always say more!)- I still ended a situation that has been completely unhealthy for me for the past 6-7 months.
Now, the dilema that follows is this... how does a nice girl meet a nice guy? Really, I just don't get it. Where? When? Who?
You live this solo life for so long and I can't help but wonder if it makes you incapable of living a life in tandem with another. You build a foundation for yourself, work on a future and somewhere along the journey- your are suppose to sync up with another that's flowing in that same direction!?! Obviously, it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. And, for some it doesn't matter. What about those that it does matter to?
Anyway, I was just listening to Tim McGraw's, "Open Season on my Heart" as I typed the above... which could explain a lot.

Regardless- I am going to keep moving forward. Looking forward to knowing that more life awaits me. Knowing that it really has nothing to do with me. I believe that. And, I know that I am braver than the man i lost- I don't hide from rejection... I don't ignore conflict. Instead, I've met them both head on... I need a man capable and strong enough to do the same.

January 22, 2007

Well, this morning I was greeted with another tid bit of information about January. Today, the fourth Monday in January is known as, Blue Monday. More people are suppose to be depressed than any other day. This because people come to realize how much debt they are in, that they have already failed at their New Year's Resolutions and a few other reasons.
Isn't it interesting how many statistics there are for random days. When's the happiest day of the year for most people? How many people have stuck to their New Year's resolutions? This is the type of information that I'd like to know.
Let's talk about success... not failure. Let's talk happiness, not sadness. Let's change our mindsets, waking up in the morning and being happy that with each new morning, comes a new opportunity to strive towards your goals. Each day will bring the potential for greatness and surprises.
Each day may seem insignificant, but add them up and they equal months and years... and at the end of each new year- I'd say most people will say that a lot has changed. Each seemingly insignificant daily choice will add up to your life in a nutshell.
So, this is what I am trying to do. Better myself, push forward and try to make daily decisions that will add up to one great outcome.

Hmmm...

So, yesterday I was listening to the radio as I was driving to work and as I parked the last thing the radio commentator said was."If you're going to die this year, your chances of dying in January are the highest". To which I turned my car off.
I found this statement to be odd and it kind of stuck with me all day- somewhat bothering me and wishing it wasn't the last comment I heard before starting my day off.
Well, I didn't die, which is FANTASTIC.... but my day did continue in an odd fashion. I had a really hard time getting anything done at work. I couldn't stop staring at the other girl in my office who I found out is now sleeping with the same man I had.(but, I'm not opening that bag of worms!!!)
So, I decide to go get something to eat. While deciding... I make a last minute decision to visit my good pal BEE and grab a burrito. Well, while getting off the freeway ramp- a hot police officer gets behind me... no big deal, I've done nothing wrong. Oh, wait, I did- I really don't remember doing this, but I guess I made a right hand turn on a "No Turn on Red" intersection.
Well, that's great, I can't go to traffic school because I've been within the last 18 months and the ticket will be about $271.
Okay, bright side... the ticket won't come in the mail for 4-6 weeks... so, I don't have to worry about paying it for 8-12 weeks!
Well, long story short, I decide to take an "AIRobics" class with my friend "Jewel's". Totally fun and extremely exhausting trampoline class(on HUGE trampoline's) at this new venue in the area. Now, I'm on crutches with a sprained ankle and more loose floor mats in my apartment than I had previously noticed!!!
Funny how perspective changes when you have a damaged limb.
Nice thing, I still have all my limbs- no amputations, lots of ice and a steady supply of advil... God is definitely good to me.
I'm just hoping that today goes a little smoother then yesterday!

Phew

This has been an interesting end and beginning of two years I am bound to remember. In 2006, I took the leap off the train of virginity... got my feelings hurt, broke my heart, reclaimed my dignity and started a new and very volatile job.
In the first 10 days of 2007, I was told by my manager that my job was in jeopardy. I had less then one month to bring in ALOT of money... my feelings and heart have begun to pull themselves back together. And, today, I sit with my job not 100% secure, but 95% secure... I'll find out today after I talk to my manager.
What does this go to show?
Well, it goes to show one or a few of the following things...
(A) I am one lucky bastard!!!
(B) I have some of the most supportive and motivating friends and family EVER!!!!
(C) I'm a LUCKY BASTARD
(D) I work very hard
(E) God is definitely always looking out for me
(F) You never know what the next day will bring
(G) I am SUPER LUCKY!!!!!